Jakarta Star

You know those boys that are going through that awkward-phase, where they grow really tall and develop acne, they grow their hair out really long, then they do the 90's skater cut where just under the backside is shaved and then it's just a permanent comb-over, but then they dye it blonde, but not enough to where it's blonde, it's stinky yellow and putrid and has gone mad frizzy, you know the type? Well, maybe they are in their thirties and you don't really find that much sex appeal in them. Until you meet one and it turns out he's the funniest comedian to ever set foot on a stage and you want to just ravish him.You want to jet set through his hair like it's a tropical waterfall. I met him, Sule, on the set for Opera Van Java, the funniest sketch comedy show in Indonesia. Although I missed my opportunity to be the greatest young American comedian Indonesia has ever seen, because I was too distracted by how talented the others were, I was able to be a part of their act, just for once, by being a wacky clown and singing dangdut (a specific genre of music only found in this country that brings together catchy 80's pop and Indian sounding vocals in a marriage of costume and booty grinding- the girls look like they are boys in drag and are no less than classy in their most urban-Latina middle school dance outfit, their grinds are shy, timid and unfulfilled). I wasn't able to make a full-throttle with just a one-minute appearance, but I was able to get some laughs out of the crowd. (I made myself look like a fool, they made me look foolish none-the-less, by pulling my hair back so tightly I looked like a 14-yr old Russian gymnast. My legs were confined in a pair of jeans - if rubberback pencils were made with just 20% string cheese, that's what my legs were. I had beaty-eyes, pencil-black and green shadow stretching to the browline. They gave me the pinkest blouse you would've thought was even "too much" when you were 9.) I was thrown onto the set, thrown into costume, thrown backstage, hell, I was thrown into leading the prayer circle. (To Allah, in Indonesian.) This girl, let me tell you, has only ever had to pray to God on special occassions. (I was taking a bus down the mountain side from Cloud Forest to a town somewhere in Eastern Peru coming from the Amazon, when I knew that fart wouldn't be less than explosive and the pee itself would be a river. I held it in until I could feel the pee practically tracing my gumline, spraying out of my teeth I was so filled to the brim. When I managed to escape the bus as soon as it stopped, I grabbed my pack, threw it over one shoulder, hobbled about five feet before I tripped on my own pee-pee dance and fully crapped my pants and pissed wildly in them.) But I was asked to pray for the cast and crew of Opera Van Java. These are "real" stars, these people, you know, so there was no chance that I was gonna fuck it up. You know what I said? I said, "If you fall off the stage, it's okay, just get back on the horse," Wow. What a dumbass. (This English phrase doesn't quite translate to Indonesian...) At least they used that joke later on in the show when someone pretended to be riding a horse, another actor ran out and said: "What? Did someone fall off stage?" I was thrilled. That joke was for me. Was that luck, or was I going somewhere with life? I was on national t.v. And I made a fool of myself. In front of Allah, too. Sheesh.